This will probably be one of the realest blogs I have ever shared …..
Sometimes I make the wrong decisions and my heart is not always in the right place, those were the words spoken by my pastor today at church and I tell you it resonated in my spirit heavy. Not to mention this has been a weekend of brutal honesty, self-truth and really as one of my sister friends would call it a #ownyaSh!$ movement. I have to echo the preacher and say the same sometimes I just make bad decisions and my heart too is not always in the right place. Many times when I go off the grid and don’t share my writings it’s because my heart is not right and my words would not have the same authentic effect as when I am focused and well aligned with what’s happening around me. Well today it hit me that the transparency of crazy and chaos can help people too and ultimately it can help me. I write every day yet I only share once a week …….I do this because not all of my words are perfect and I honestly have a fear of sharing too much. Though the writings are practical and applicable to a variety of situations they really do come from a place of both exercise and experience. I can’t share what I don’t know firsthand.
I have an old-colleague that I only talk to every few months but when we do he always has a way of placing my life into perspective. ( I'm sure you have one of those friends too) I recall our last conversation and he a brutally honest soul says to me “I don’t think you have allowed anybody to really know you, You pick and choose what you will allow and put the cap back on” he continued to say until you share they will never know the real you and you will never have your true desires. At first I argued this theory and said ahhhh here Mr. A go being Mr. A but here we sit many months maybe even a year later and I found myself struggling with sharing certain pieces of me once again. This may sound like a small plight for some but for me it’s huge.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”― Elbert Hubbard
I had to face my fear of sharing and ultimately realize that the people who love me and care for me can and will except and handle my truth with care. They will do so in a non-judgmental way and allow me to vent without classification or future discrimination. . I tried my best to identify where this fear came from? How did I get this way? Who told me I should only allow people to see me in times where my strength and faith are high or when all is going well. This way of living reigns true until all hell breaks loose internally because you have unresolved pain never discussed, a broken-heart that was bandaged but not stitched , some ought or unforgiveness in your heart from a situation you refrain from addressing ever again … You are strong, You held it together but YOU HURT yourself!!! Who do we call when we lie in a puddle of tears due to self-inflicted mental wounds and war with self all because we couldn’t show anything less than strong? As I dug deep I realized it started for me at an early age with my family. No time for tears, Stay focused Chonda that’s all I heard. So naturally in obedience I did just that and was raised to save face and it stuck with me. So what do you do as an adult? When your interpersonal communication skills are tested and tried though you passed this communications class with an 100 %, When you are placed on a platform that requires you to share, write and basically jump off a cliff naked but you cannot for the life of you get comfortable enough to do it and let’s not even mention the pain you cause your spouse/partner because you are so closed! What do you do? Glad you asked you help someone else get over their fear of sharing and push yourself to do the same. You write a blog encouraging people to get naked mentally in the safe place with friends and family that love and care about them. You encourage couples, parents and children to get mentally naked with each other in a way that the other feels included in their healing and ultimately that they can trust you with anything. You don’t have to go through whatever it is you are NOT sharing alone. The devil is a mofo lie!! I mean it, like I literally woke up from what I call a nap and others call sleep to write this entry tonight. I have spent too many days at war with myself by myself and subconsciously sabotaging my future because I have been afraid to simply share and own my truth. Every week I encourage you all to go for it , get what ya came here for , have vision, focus , push and pray and while I am doing all of that I am failing to remind each of you to be brutally honest with yourself FIRST! FIX your heart and your mind!!! You cannot read these writings, a million devotions and pick me ups weekly, apply the principles and remain a mess on the inside. Don’t shoot me, I promise I am just a messenger because this got in my face too. It really did! I’m not telling you to post your truth on Facebook, Instagram or any social media platform (Matter fact GET OFF OF THERE FOR A MINUTE and GET IN THE MIRROR and LIKE the person you SEE on that timeline first). I am not even telling you to tell a million people but what I am telling you is to face whatever it is and be ok with the outcome. I realized tonight that I want some things that I have yet to voice over the years to the people who could give them to me out of fear. I have not laid a clear foundation nor made room for new bricks and firm expectation due to Fear of rejection, Fear of the vulnerability attached to winning and the insecurity attached to failing simultaneously. See when you are a damaged good ( Damaged = complicated , scared, bruised, insecure; Good= You) you tend to function like this because somebody told you once or twice that you were TOO MUCH or NOT ENOUGH and those memories at times contribute to this subconsciously reserved mindset and this guard we have built to protect ourselves. Just remember this no matter what your truth exposes it can only make YOU better! In business, relationships and in purpose you must be willing to take the risk if you ever want the reward.
I don’t have all the answers nor do I have it all together. I live unapologetic and cry often because I’m so full of joy and misunderstood. I stay busy because it makes me numb to my feelings and emotions the minute I sit down I think and ponder for hours about things that I cannot change, I love my family and friends and will do whatever I can to help them. I was tired of being the person who kept in contact; when I stopped I recognized who my real circle was. I love hard and my last relationship hurt me down to the core so yeah some days I am scared to even get that close again so my adult dating efforts suffered after that and made even the most secure , insecure on occasions. Many times I feel alone in this life thing I mean who wouldn’t 36, unwed and no kids yeah I appreciate the quiet house but growing old alone is not an option. You noticed I did not say Lonely , there's a difference. I love LOVE and sometimes get caught up in the idea of it and it blinds me from reality #selftruth my story goes on but I will stop there….it’s your turn to share!
Ø Singles --- You can’t Have until you Heal ---- being HOPEFUL is not enough by itself….. Show them the real you -#mytruth
Ø Couples--- What she/he does NOT know is what’s hurting you both -Tell them, you are together because they get you even though you think they don’t!
This may only be for me …..But if you can relate repeat this. My private pain will no longer affect my public purpose!! Don’t let it get you either! Release it all in the atmosphere get what life is waiting to offer you; you deserve it I promise you do!
Love ya – R. Rene’